Setting Sail

I want to say I loved a guy once, but I’m not sure if it was really love. He chose someone else and I was heartbroken. It is not the first time that has happened. It seems that the guys I like don’t have the same feeling and they choose another girl instead. I would think that maybe there was something wrong with me or maybe he didn’t know because I didn't tell him my feelings. However, even if I didn’t tell him, it should have been obvious. You can never hide your feelings from someone you like. It will show in your face and in your actions. It would most certainly show in your eyes. Whatever the reason, the end of the story did not include me. Every time it happens, I quickly get over it and the only thing that lingers is a broken pride that prolongs the pain. Then over time, those guys would break up with their girlfriend and approach me. I don’t know what they are thinking but my philosophy is that once my heart has set sail; the ship is not returning to the same port. How could I possibly still like someone who chose someone else right in front of me? There was only one guy whom I could say that I would have returned to because I think I came to love him, but that guy never let go of his old feeling. I couldn’t find myself sharing the port with another ship; even if it was just a shadow of a ship. Now he is married and as soon as that day came, I knew my ship sailed without remorse or lingering brokenness. My heart was left intact. Therefore, I question if it was truly love at all. I doubt that to this very day. Maybe in the future, when I really love someone, it might not have the same outcome. As far as I know now, this has been the case. Once my heart has set sail, the ship will not return. If you didn’t choose me then, why would you choose me now? I am still me. You pulled up the anchor when you turned your eyes to someone else. So please don’t be angry or surprised if I refuse you now. I have forgiven you. It doesn’t mean I want to reconcile with you. Don’t chase after something you regret because you will not find any shadow of it left.

`

(draft)
In the eye of the storm there is peace.
Resting for some time, i am captured.
In the eye of the storm there is passivity.
Watching the supernatural swirls, i am empty.
In the eye of the storm there is apathy.
Familar with the zone, i am uncaring.
In the eye if the storm there is death.
Heartbroken from the scenes, i am extinct.

(revision 1)
In the eye of the storm there is peace.
Resting from the race, i am captured.
In the eye of the storm there is insight.
Observing the pattern, i am distraught.

In the eye of the storm there is passivity.

Familiar in the zone, i am inert.

In the eye of the storm there is apathy.

Watching the suprenatural swirls, i am callous.

In the eye of the storm there is death.
Heartbroken from human deeds, i am hollow.

until i will

I will stand here, to watch you-
Watching you and loving you and praying for you-
Until it is uncontainable, until
Until I don't know when but when it is
I'll know to let go since at that moment, you are
You are no longer here, and my heart will be long broken-
From the extent of praying for you, loving you, watching you
I will stand here because you-
Because you because I because she because I by then
And only then the vows are blessed and then yea
The doors will fling and the shards will be free of pride
It will give way to flesh and the reconstruction too-
I will kneel here, me anew-

aahh the rain came

did you hear? my heart cried this week. it finally decided to gradually submit the offenses it held onto and allow new fruits to grow in place of those offenses. these fruits are carefully cultivated by the Father's love and immutable commitment to yield love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

may this heart of mine never compromise nor lose to the temptation of a callous fortified heart again, but press forward and thrive towards a transparent tender heart.

A Sigh

taking a deep breath and releasing it in one gush seems to be the trend for me nowadays. the onslaught of thoughts rolling, clashing, remembering, defining, convicting, encouraging-they are my current company. i offer each of them a seat when they come. hospitality is a must, isn't it?

i say to each, "please sit awhile with me because you are my company. you have come to visit."

our communication consist of mental images and sounds and my responsive sighs. i would have rather offer a cup of tears than a plate of sighs.

crying is near impossible for me. i have astigmatism. to be more precise, i have a selective astigmatistic heart. i easily cry for others. i cry with others. i can't cry for myself. i've tried, but i couldn't. i would choose to cry over sighing any day. crying is cleansing. crying is healing. crying is restoring.

one day soon i believe, Jesus will show me the origin of this particular malfunction. then i will soar with HIM and have a rain party. the rainbow will seal the deal and the ramblings of my heart will have acquired additional flavors to share.

TBA

no progress with the flower and bee yet. when there is, i will continue this story.

flower and bee

i see a beautiful plain flower with strong roots that can withstand any weather. it gazes at the sun and confidently grows out its petals. it was taught that as long as its love for the sun was strong and its roots were sturdy, many worthy insects would become attracted and find their way to the flower. therefore, the beautiful plain flower focused on the sun every sunrise through sunset among its friends in the plains.

everyday, a swarm of bees would fly above the plain where the flower was. none of them would come to rest on its petals though. they would land on the other flowers nearby instead. this did not bother the beautiful plain flower and it continued to gaze at its beloved sun. then one day, there was one particular bee which caught the attention of this beautiful plain flower. the fluttering of this bee's wings made a distinquished song which captivated the flower. oh, how it wish this bee would come and land on its petals. the bee would hover briefly at a distance but never did it choose to rest upon the beautiful plain flower. the flower tried to show off its beautiful plain petals but to no avail. so it thought to itself that perhaps its roots were not yet sturdy enough for the bee to land on...

to be continue